So the blog has been silent for a bit, and I’d like to say it’s because we’re so busy falling in love with our new city and making SO MANY amazing new friends, that I just haven’t had time to write anything. The truth is, that yes, we have gotten out, explored, met a few people, but overall, this transition has been more difficult for me than I expected it to be. And I’ve struggled to find the motivation to do much of anything.
In the past 12 months, Chris accepted a new job and started traveling for the first time in our relationship. He moved to Iowa two weeks before our wedding. We got married, went on a honeymoon, and when we got back, Chris was working out of state 5 days a week and coming home only on the weekends. Meanwhile, I was getting our house ready to list, putting it on the market, facilitating showings and ultimately selling the house—all while working full time and wrangling the dogs.
Then we moved to another city. From a three bedroom home with a yard to a zero bedroom loft with no outdoor space. And I started working from home. And Chris continued to travel about 50% of the time, leaving me alone in our new home in a city where I knew no one and worked alone in our home.
Basically, my world has been turned up side down in the past twelve months—in ways I couldn’t have ever even imagined. And I’m not sure that I’ve been handling it well.
I grew up in Kansas City. My family, friends and even my work are all still in Kansas City. I am writing this blog post from Kansas City because I come back often for work (or in this case, for a spa day with my very best friend). I have one foot here and one foot in Des Moines. And I’ve worried that it might not be a good thing.
I like to think that I’m a generally positive, happy person. But in the past 7 months or so, I’ve been really down. And not like “having a bad day but I’ll be fine in the morning” down. More like “maybe I should see a therapist because I really need to get my shit together and also maybe take a goddamn shower at some point” down.
It’s weird. That’s not typically who I am. So in addition to all the change, I started to feel like I was losing myself. Who is this sad, lame person? I wondered. And some days I still wonder that…
But I think it’s getting better. We bought a house! And it’s lovely. And yes, it’s more permanent, but it has given me something to look forward to and get excited about. And it means an easier routine with the dogs.
And armed with this new knowledge that we will, in fact, be in Des Moines for at lest the next few years, I’m more committed than ever to meeting new friends and creating some semblance of a social life for myself.
So there it is. I share because I haven’t always been super forthcoming about this with everyone in my life. When people ask how Des Moines is, they absolutely do not want me to respond by sobbing and telling them how hard it’s been for me and how badly I miss Kansas City and all the wonderful people there. They don’t want to hear about how living in a loft is, for some reason, ULTRA depressing for me. Or how I feel like we’ve taken a huge step back in our adult lives because while all my friends are having babies right now, I’m barely holding my life together in a downtown loft apartment I don’t even want to be in.
But that’s how I have been feeling. And it’s probably not super interesting to read, but I guess a part of me just wants to put it out there because people deal with stuff like this all the time, but not everyone wants to talk about it or hear about it. I’m not going to say with any amount of certainty that I’ve been depressed. I know for a fact that I have struggled with anxiety in my life, and that it’s been rearing its ugly head lately for sure…
So I suppose what I’m saying is that I just want everyone else who has felt or is feeling this way to know that you’re not alone. Sometimes even the happiest people get sad. And it’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. Take things one day at a time.
I still have bad days every once in a while, but I know this too shall pass. And I think it helps that every morning I repeat a new mantra to myself: