Let’s talk about dating, shall we? As I’ve discussed previously, earlier this year I discovered that I’m now a 32-year-old woman, single for the first time in about 7 years. And OMG so much has changed since the last time I was single.
2015: “Do I wanna spend the rest of my life w/this person?”
2017: “Do I wanna go thru the collapse of capitalism w/this person??”
— ☠TheMemeWitch? (@MemeVVitch) August 27, 2017
The Good News
Here’s the thing—everyone I know is married. Well, like, almost everyone. So, gone are the days when I could reasonably assume I’ll meet someone through mutual friends—because again, LITERALLY EVERYONE IS MARRIED. I suppose that’s what happens in the Midwest… The good news is that dating apps make it super easy to meet people.
I will say this about the whole situation: I’ve met a ton of people and had a lot of fun, for the most part. And as an extrovert, I’m always up for a cocktail and (hopefully) decent conversation. I get to learn about all sorts of new stuff, and I can honestly say that dating has broadened my horizons quite a bit.
Why Online Dating Makes Me Insane
I got stood up last month. By a guy I met on Bumble. We chatted for a few days, he asked me out and we agreed to meet. I showed up and messaged him that I was there, and instead of replying with LITERALLY ANY EXCUSE, he deleted our conversation on Bumble so I had no way of getting in touch with him. I almost wrote this post after that experience, but decided against it because this was the first thing I typed when I got home…
I got stood up tonight. Seriously. As I write this, I am actually considering closing up shop and declaring a commitment to spinsterhood. Because dating in 2017 is the worst, and as far as I can tell, most single men are currently floundering in a perpetual state of adolescence.
So yeah, ghosting is a thing I’m dealing with now. And it happens all the damn time. Here’s a PSA to the entire universe: GROW THE FUCK UP. Seriously. Be a decent human being and have some personal accountability. I don’t care if you changed your mind, or if something came up, or you’re just not that into me—say it. I’m an emotionally evolved adult human. I can take it.
It’s also become very clear to me that there are “types” of guys on these apps. Here are a few…
The Pen Pal | This guy just wants to message back and forth forever without ever asking you out. WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?
Stage 5 Clinger | This guy has already named your future children in his head before you even meet in person. True story: I was recently chatting with a guy who one night got drunk and texted me that I’m “very special to him.” I immediately cancelled our first date and told him (politely) to never contact me again.
Married Dude/Couples/Guy with Fetish | Oh you’re married and looking for something discreet? Fuck you. Couples looking for a third don’t bother me, but I’m not interested. And if the only picture on your profile is a graphic that says, “I heart sucking toes” I assure you, I’m not the woman of your dreams.
The Quick Date Maker | This guy’s opener is an invitation to drinks or dinner. Slow your roll, man, I don’t even know you. What makes you think I’d be interested in meeting you—a stranger—face to face without even a little small talk?
Look at my Dick Guy | “Oh, weird, you can see my junk through my pants? Totally didn’t mean for that to happen… how embarrassing!”
After getting stood up, I decided to give up on Bumble and Tinder entirely. It felt like a lot of work, and it wasn’t going anywhere. The way I see it, these apps are too full of people who aren’t totally sure if they’re ready to meet someone for real yet, but basically nobody is willing to explicitly say, “Hey, I’m here for sex-related purposes.” And the ones who DO say that are definitely the kind of guys no self-respecting woman would hook up with (I’m talking to you, foot fetish guy).
So now I’m on Match. And while it can be ROUGH sorting through the losers who message me as if they have a snowball’s chance in hell at dating me, I honestly feel like the decent guys are of a much higher caliber than the Bumble/Tinder lot. The problem with Match is that anyone can send you a message, whether you show mutual interest or not. And you should see some of the messages I’ve gotten… I don’t have the time or energy to go through them all, but here’s a little rundown of some of the men who have shown interest in me and/or messaged me on Match…
The Elderly (c’mon…I’m only 32)
Men from Other States (wut? and also why?)
Bible Thumpers (my profile is very clear about my atheism)
Trump Voters (my profile is also very clear about my unwillingness to date a Trump voter)
3s (listen, I know I’m not a 10, but I’m sure as shit not a 3)
Guys, I’ve been on match for like 3 weeks, and I’ve received 361 messages. I’ve responded to probably fewer than 10 of them. It’s EXHAUSTING. When I moved back to KC and told a friend I was interested in trying online dating she said to me, “Good luck. It’s like having a second full-time job.” And boy was she right…
So this is my life now. A seemingly unending search for a decent man. Wish me luck—I need it.