Disclaimer: I feel it’s important to start this off by admitting that my anxiety often manifests itself in an ever-present need to control all aspects of my life. But if therapy has taught me anything, it’s that I absolutely cannot control most things, so I should probably stop trying.
That leads us to my current relationship. You remember—the one I announced to the world I was ending because we didn’t see eye-to-eye on one of my deal breakers. Well, funny story: I didn’t end it. After I wrote that post, we talked extensively and took a half step back… Then I got a reality check from my therapist, which prompted me to reconsider everything I previously felt. Long story, short—I have a boyfriend now.
But this isn’t about the intricacies of my dating life. It’s about listening to your gut, but ultimately admitting when you’re wrong. (Something I’m notoriously bad at. In fact, this may be a first for me, so be gentle—I’m in uncharted territory here…)
Since my divorce, I’ve been quick to choose the path of self-preservation. It feels safe, and if ever there was a time for risk-aversion in my love life, I guess I thought now’s it. After talking with my therapist, however, I realized this attempt to control things was probably a symptom of my anxiety, and may not necessarily be in my best interest. Essentially, as she pointed out, in an honest effort to protect my heart, I was also depriving myself of happiness. Why walk away from something that feels so right, despite the fact that we don’t agree on one big thing? Who am I to say that he and I will hold the same opinions 6 months or 6 years from now? How could I possibly know that this would inevitably break us up? Is it possible? Sure. It’s also possible that I’ll get hit by a bus tomorrow. But that won’t stop me from leaving the house or going about my life.
The point is, I can’t see the future, but I can see the present. And what’s right in front of me is a really great guy who shares my interests, values, sense of humor—and perhaps most importantly—my love of great food. A man who is as into me as I am him. Who has quickly and seamlessly become my “person.” And who, at the end of the day, makes me really happy. And honestly, how often do we find a connection like that?
So I suppose I’m just living in the moment and enjoying what I have. And I’m making less space in my life for anxiety and my less-than-helpful need to control all the things. Easier said than done, probably. But it’s good to have goals.